weirdo

i cannot get good sleep these days. what is happening with me? getting old maybe

m.issed

i have almost forgotten this blog of mine since i have one which is more public than this but anyway hope i could post some thoughts good and bad later on.

some (good/bad) things never last

just one last post before i jump into bed. a lot of things happened lately. they happened so fast that i got drowned just the mere thought of thinking about them. i almost fall in love.. (again though i hate to admit it as always). nonetheless it is fading now. just as i thought that this too shall pass like the one i had last year. and the year before that and so on.

liking/loving someone is a wonderful feeling because for me it makes me happy and at the same time sad and desperate because i always fall for the wrong person and i always got hurt in the process.

when will this cyle end? i hope sooner than i expect..

still wondering

i wonder if i still do exists in this world. its hard to imagine that i lasted this long you know. i live my life everyday like a soulless person. moving like a robot with a preprogram activities. don’t give me bullshit that others have worse problem than mine cause i know that already but i do not care about them for now. i need to take care of my own issues and problems.

life is difficult for some. there are blessed ones of course. i found myself nowhere near the two. don’t dare to say i need God. i always pray to God. doesn’t matter actually if He hears me or not. i just know He is there.

i cannot think straight right now. my mind is going everywhere. i’m not drunk. i really hate the feeling of being drunk.

i am guilty. of all the bad things i did. i have done a lot of things which i am not proud of. i feel bad about it. i am sorry to those i hurt. i am sorry to myself coz i hurt my self too. but the hardest to accept is the fact that i keep on hurting my self and everyone for the selfish reason that i will not tell.

life is not a mystery. i just make some things more complicated than what they already are. it sucks. need to get some sleep and get my act together.

post party depression

feeling letdown, gloomy, or sometimes even lonely the day following a party or other enjoyable social event

thinking

i want to go back to hong kong for some reason. hk has a very good place in my heart. been there 3x but i guess i cant get enough of it. i need to live there. i guess that is next to impossible but well. and i want to stay in bali to. bali had me enchanted. the laid back lifestyle. the architecture. oh god i miss travelling. i need to travel outside this limbo pronto! i need to see the world again. money money money where are you? dont sleep in the banks. i need to spend all of you. until your last dime breath.

fast changing world

the fast changing world.

everyone seems to be evolving. and i was left on my own old self. i have to admit that at this point in my life i am afraid to risks. i am too much careful. at what i said or do or even just a mere thought.

i am not into new things anymore. things that are exciting for me before have no impact at all. i just want to doze off and sleep the whole day thinking that i was totally exhausted and drained and needing much rest.

some people are always into action. they just love that. and it is really fascinating to watch them. they just have a big pool of energy and enthusiasm. to be with the world. to share what they have. and i am glad they do. well i guess to balance that i am here.. right? gee.

i love to remember the times when i was this young man full of energy and idealism. that things should be like this. that there should be no war and hate and hunger. where everybody must love each other. but that is not the case. as you get older you realize that people do not live according to your ideals. that beyond the things we envisioned how the world should look like perfectly lives the humans with different background and visions in life. that we all suffer differently in some degrees. that we cannot focus on resolving one after another issues because there are a lot of things to solve. a lot of questions to be answered.

only after we experience different things can we understand and make a better judgment. and we still have/make different judgment. i guess we only need to make judgment that is best for us and for the rest of the world. what i am saying now?

im back!

i almost forgotten that i have this blog. so sorry that i kept it in the dark. so many things had happened already. so many things to share that i have not shared. its the same me after all those things. days that are good. not so good. some are blues. some kind of exciting. some are just safely lived by. dull moments exists. but its life. it cannot always be the same everyday. its not fun fun fun everyday. you just get exhausted and drained. you need sometime to relax. slow down. recharge.

you love, you lost, you win. anything can happen in this life. and its up to you how you handle it. i cant put some things in words. there are experiences that can only dwell in feelings but cannot be translated into human words. we just sometimes got caught up in the web of each one’s life and experiences whether good or bad, exciting or not. you know what i mean right?

for the mean time i will try to visit again this site when i have time, when i have some secrets to share though not totally… be back soon. and its a good release to put my thoughts into writing. it just relaxes my mind.. eases my thought. lessens the burden. what more can i say?

hmmmm

well okay naman tayo today pero hanggang ganun na lang talaga. may araw na ganito. parang 5% lang ang inis ko today. siguro dahil alam mong malapit na akong umalis. at hindi mo naman ako mamimiss diba? hindi ako nagdadrama lang. pero alam kong hindi na din ako masasaktan ng husto. basta. may mga nararamdamang mahirap tumbasan ng salita para isalarawan. naiintindihan na lang ng dibdib. ganun.

naman naman

after more than 2 years yung mga rants ko eh para pa rin sayo. ok so hindi na talaga ganun kalalim ang nararamdaman ko sayo at more on inis na lang palagi. yung pagnanasa eh medyo wala na din dahil alam kong malabo talaga saka siguro nagsawa na din ako. nakakasawa din pala. yung maubos ang oras mo sa kakaisip sa isang tao. kakaisip ng mabuti at masamang bagay. dapat inisip ko din ang ibang tao, bagay at sarili ko. siguro dahil pagdating sa ganitong aspeto ng buhay eh tanga ako. pero hindi naman sagad sa katangahan. malapit na.. pero hindi umabot sa dulo.

okay naman pala na hindi kita nakikita talaga. na hindi kita nakakausap. kaya ko naman pala talaga. sino ba kase ang me sabi na hindi ko kayang mawala ka eh hindi ka naman naging akin. bwahahaha. tinatawanan ko ang aking sarili ngayon sa mga kagaguhang ginawa ko sa sarili ko para lang mapansin mo. wala namang kulang. hindi lang talaga uukol kaya ganun. ayon. masakit sa una pero pag araw araw mong naramdaman ang sakit masasanay ka din. magiging manhid ka din hanggang sa parang wala na lang. kahit me konti pang pagseselos at inis eh ganun talaga. mahirap mang tanggapin eh kailangang tanggapin. ang buhay nga naman. sana hindi na lang kita nakilala. siguro tahimik na ang buhay ko ngayon. pero tahimik na din naman ulet. at malapit na talagang tayo ay magkalayo ng landas. yun nga lang ang iniwan mong alaala ay medyo mapait sa pakiramdam. basta bahala na ako sa buhay ko at bahala ka na din sa buhay mo. anuman ang mangyari sa yo wala na akong pakialam maganda man o masama.